.. has to go on somehow.
Nothing bad has happend, there wasn't anything in the world affecting me personally, there has not even been one single word to me that made me get depressed. And yet I am. I fucking am and I don't know how to change it.
The new schoolyear is going to be so stressful and even though I had already started getting suicidal thoughts on the first day, I am by now totally fine with not doing it and I'm fine with going to school again. There are some people I really love and they keep me by mood which is good.
I was voted together with a boy to be head of class, which honors me deeply and aswell surprises me.
I was finally accepted for the "Staatstheater", I have quite good teachers and yet I'm so depressed again. I've started punishing myself again after my lip was accidentally shot open I squeezed it and rubbed it until it was bleeding again and again.
I'm scared because next of next weeks' theater thing going on. I hope, desperately hope, ms m is going to be there at least once to support us and aswell me. I do think that this would help a lot.
I've been to the Europapark today and all I could think about was how fat I am. I was looking at other people and found myself to be twice them. And yet I couldn't stop eating.
I had to smile when I thought about a thing ms m and ms d said a year ago. ms m said to my mom that the word bulimia is too strong for what I do and have. ms d aswell got me to know and said goodbye to an eating disordered person that does not quite have bulimia. I once said in an asking voice" I mean it's not bulimia, I'm eating disordered".
She repeated: "Luckily, it's not bulimia. Luckily."
And now.. for ms l it's quite clear we didn't even discuss it. She calls it bulimia whenever we talk about it and she does even accept my answer to her question if I wanted something to change about my disorder. I said no.
Things are just strange. I feel like existing of a bad coincess. When I have too much food in my stomach I can' sleep. I first have to get it out or hurt myself for not having gotten it out.
I didn't know any other headline, but "situations" is the song I'm just listening to by Jack Johnson.
I've been playing tennis today with some friends, and I mightn't be exactly the best one but since that was only my second time to play I did quite good!
I'm recognizing that ms.m'll be back by maybe tomorror or the day after! Thats swell, but I hope they'll be having a good drive..
Tomorrow, I'm going to my little cousin to babysit which I'm so looking forward to.. :-)
Any elsehow.. I'm doing okay though I've got a real bad problem with eating again. Real bad.
I got my nose pierced on monday! It was great! :-) And I don't have any problem with it, it doesn't hurt at all!
I'd have never thought that it'd end like this. D and I seem to have an actual fight on the whole thing.
She was writing in an email that she felt like a loser on me because she's tried her very best to help me and I still enjoy punishing myself (vomitting, cutting,..), and that she doesn't know what to write or to say anymore because she can't say, great, go on with what you're doing.
She aswell said that since I'm as strange to her as I was in the past few months everything'd hurt her even more, and then she said something strange. she remembered me of something ms.donce said, that it wasn't my problem but hers. strange thing.. she totally misunderstood stuff. I feel sorry, but I honestly said that I'd like her to answer on my mail and that I think that we should come to a desicion and that I think, we shoul start to have a normal relationship again, just like relatives, not like friends. I mean I'm open for a retry, but not right now, I can't really figure out the sense of it which is because we're kind of retrying it 24/7, which is just so annoying.
However I find it so strange, that somebody likes me as much and "suffers with me",so to say. I can't really accept that somebody likes me and then something like that!? That's tough.
Vacation is awesome to me right now.
I was having a good but stressful time in a camp for mothers and kids where I was one of the kindergarten hosts. I got to know awesomely nice kids, but aswell stressful ones. And aswell I got to know mothers and I enjoyed having a glass of wine with them in the evenings. I liked the fact that they didn't behave strangely on our age, and that they accepted us.
My gosh, in only about 27 days will our theater play finally be presented, I only practiced a little of my text during the vacation until now and I really gotta stop.
I'm kind of scared because the day after tomorrow, I'm getting my nose pierced! That's really freaking me of, but I like the fact that I finally dare something other people wouldn't think of me.
Then I'm aswell going to the hairstylists' and I'm coloring my hair again. aswell I'm going to my little cousin on the weekend to which I'm really looking forward to.
I'm just reading an awesome book:
THE CLIENT by John Grisham. Had anyone of you guys out there read it? Is there anything better than lying on the sofa in the evening and reading this book?
By the way, has anybody read "hearts of atlantis" by Stephen Kind? I've bought it but I didn't have the time to read it.
I'll fold envelopes tonight, I'm just really freaking out on that and they're way more beautiful than other envelopes. My granny gave me some art-calendars, which is perfect for self-made envelopes.
But she didn't abandon all of them to me of course because I was luckily mentioning how perfect those calendars are for folfing small boxes and package and that's something she's gonna do for the christmas time now.
Ach, I could play the piano all day and night. I can't stop playing it. Right now I'm playing "Comptime d'un autre été: L'après midi
from the movie "Amélie Pourain" by Yann Tiersen. It's such a beautiful song and ..ok.. to play, not too difficult.
My gosh, am I writing much today^^
I feel so damnit ugly again. Fat, ugly, discusting, gross..
I can't stand it. Can somebody please slap me in the middle of my face and scream at me HOW much I'm eating without vomitting afterwards!? I mean hello!? I don't understand myself, it so IS disgusting to eat for me but there ain't no way to vomit mostly as I'm at friend's or whatever but these are just dump excuses!
I was with my mother and sister at McDonald's today, I ate cake and bread with cheese and butter and onion, I eat something for breakfast,... I mean I WILL vomit in a few minutes, but what about yesterday? What about the day before yesterday and the day before before yesterday?! What the f*ck*ng hell am I doing!?
I'm in great fear of my new weight.
I did it. I did go to Rome, I DID have a good time, I DID do well.
It was myself who was helping my sould to deal with the fact that I've seen her once again.
Rome is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Is there any other city which connects so many different aspects and ways of life? Is there anything more beautiful than Rome?
Our hotel was the best thing, ever. I had enough time for myself, which was great. I never felt like being caught because I had the chance to be on my own in the nights as the others went to the other rooms to drink with them or anything and I would stay in our room and write in my diary or take long showers or anything.
I want to learn Italian sooner or later. First the rest of Spanish but someday Italian.
I creid a lot during the drive to Rome. Luckily I could make it that I did only cry when everybody was sleeping or when we were in a dark tunnel or when nobody was watching. It was this short crying thing of me, a few tears, a swollen throat, the need to scream but having to swallow it down. But it was only at the drive to Rome.
In Rome, I didn't even cry once.
I prayed for the ability to forget about Ms.D and think further on. I prayed, that I would finally stop making such a big thing of it and that I can deal with the fact that she's gone.
It helped. The day that I've met her seems to be years ago. I don't continue relaying the different scenes with her in my head.
I didn't even tell Mrs.L at therapy yesterday that we've remet. I mean I know that talking makes me cry again. And I really feel to good right now to waste my time with crying for that woman.
I miss Rome and the groupe but I' m not too sad because I know that I'll go there again.
This vacation is so different. Last year, I was at Ms.Ds twice(!) a week. I mean she was nearly the only one I was in contact with. That binds people together. The first time I met my friends was the week before the last week. Too late. This time we're doing stuff together all the time and we're dong great stuff.
Today, we go to the Irish Pub to celebrate K's birthday, tomorrow is the"bye bye-party" of L. she'll go to France for a few months. The day after tomorrow, S. is celebrating her birthday, we'll go to cinema, Irish Pub, shopping, we'll play tennis and so on. We meet. I AM in contact with others.Not only with one single person.
And next week is the evening at ms.M's, to which I'm really looking forward to.
Things seem to be getting better right now.
But I have problems with eating and with SI. There was no reason to do it and still I teared my skin open wich was wrong because I accidentaly hit an old -deep- scar.And the scar on my wrist. But it's not too bad, it looks worse than it is.
is erasing happiness once again.
I just don't know what to do.
I mean I got a whole lot of great stuff in my emergency box, a new diary, a load of medicine (healthy stuff), a cell phone with emergency numbers in it (if it's getting to its worst even ms. d's)
and yet I don't have enough with me to make me feel good again.
Nothing is enough, therefore I'd have to feel a certain worth feeling which I don't happen to have as my therapist says. I really want to enjoy Rome. And I wanna forget about ms. d because that woman's making me get SICK!
and yet I'm scared!!
Das ist das Hotel Parco Tirreno, wo ich wohl ab morgen abend sein werde.
Ich habe angst vor der Fahrt. Wir sind fast 40 Leute in einem Bus bis zu 15 stunden! Dann auch noch über den Brenner und.. ich habe einfach angst. Auf die Stadt an sich freue ich mich aber, Fr.M hat mich neugierig gemacht.
Was ich auf jeden Fall machen werde ist, mir einen Notfallkoffer hinzurichten. Da kommen folgende Dinge rein:
- rote Farbe
- Klingen ( ich weiß, das ist nicht der Sinn der Sache aber ich werde mir beweisen, dass ich auch ohne kann obwohl ich dabei hab)